Cool girl. Crazy bitch.

“Men always say  that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes, and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl…. Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to pretend to be this girl….. There are variations to the window dressing but believe me, he wants Cool Girl who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain.”  Gone Girl, Gillian Flynn 

 My boyfriend likes to sometimes refer to me as Cool Girl. Not knowing that I immediately remember this subject being so honestly illustrated in Gone Girl. He means this term endearingly of course. Cool Girl describes my natural down to earth manner, happy-go-lucky  care free style of living. However, some interpretations of being the Cool Girl lie somewhere between “Sure we can have morning sex although I’m still incredibly sleepy”, “Hey babe I’ll pay for dinner tonight” and “No, I don’t mind if you play video games”. Cool girl is the girl that hasn’t a worry in the world, the girl so completely down for whatever happens who also is super hot that his friends are envious. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking adore Cool Girl and some days I wish it was possible to be Cool Girl all the time.

 But really, THIS FUCKING GIRL DOESN’T EXIST. 

 Cool Girl is the girl that every woman wants to be, yet at some point or another realizes it’s a fine line between playing this role 24/7 and then faking your death and framing your husband for your murder. Cool Girl is the chic in the beginning of a relationship that doesn’t mind spending every night at the guy’s apartment and wouldn’t dare question all the “platonic” girlfriends he has for fear of seeming possessive or jealous. She sits back and goes with the flow. She’ll get drunk with his friends but doesn’t dare get wasted. She’s perfected the line, “Of course I love going down on you, baby”. She orders bourbon on the rocks and takes shots of tequila without a lime. She’s part Adriana Lima, part Jessica Biel with a dash of Beyoncé (but not too much, not every man is Jay Z and can handle a full blown Bey). 

 Somewhere down the line Cool Girl almost always takes a back seat to another woman. 

Enter Crazy Bitch.

Crazy Bitch is what men may refer to when Cool Girl suddenly doesn’t want to have morning sex because she’d rather get an extra 30 minutes of sleep. Or perhaps gets so wasted out that she yells at one of his friends in cab home or starts crying at the bar and then proceeds to lose her jacket, only before vomiting on the sidewalk. Crazy Bitch is the girl who questions when he hasn’t responded to a text message in 4 hours…. C’MON FOUR FUCKING HOURS! TEXT A SISTA BACK! Or Crazy Bitch is the girl who isn’t quite ok with the idea of him staying out until 7am without the slightest explanation, not from fear that he’s cheating on her but for just concern for his well-being. Crazy Bitch is the girl who cries too much, is too sensitive and needy or wants to talk about “us”. Crazy Bitch is also permanently menstruating. 

 Like Cool Girl, Crazy Bitch doesn’t last 24/7. (Well for his sake, let’s hope she doesn’t.) She eventually takes a nap and transforms back into her Cool counterpart.  But tell me this, is there a happy medium? Is is possible to just be Emma Stone instead? Can a woman fair somewhere between cute, funny, strong, independent, sexy sometimes, relatable always, I’ll only allow butt sex on special occasions (or when I’m really drunk)? All this to say, every woman is a bit Cool Girl with a dash of Crazy Bitch… Wouldn’t life be boring if we weren’t? Go out there and embrace your crazy!

 Ok, whatever. I’m totally late for my Brazilian wax now.

 

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