Birthday bluezzz

I always get nostalgic and sentimental around my birthday. I also have a tendency to get quite moody as well.

This year I couldn’t quite figured out my emotions. In a way I shuttered at thinking of planning something to do when all I really wanted to do was lay on a beach and be surrounded by my beautiful friends and family. In all sorts of other ways, I am excited to see what this year brings, even if I’m closer to 30 than 20 these days. 😊

It’s led me to think a lot about my own actions and life plans. I read a blog about a woman’s “Year of doing nothing”, and I greatly identified with her. However, I feel as though I’ve been doing “nothing” for about 5 years now, and I’m completely ok with it. In my eyes, I’ve been living. Yes, it’s quite unconventional in many people’s eyes I’m sure. But I feel so blessed to have experiences so many things just by simply following my fickle heart. There has been a lot of ups and downs along the way and I’ve been more lost than I could ever have dreamed of, but it’s all led me to the place where I am now: Content, responsible, independent, strong, passionate, loving, LOVED, ever-searching, gracious and most days, happy.

The beautiful places and wonderfully miraculous souls I have been exposed to through my years of doing nothing have treated me far better than any salary could have. I’ve been lost in some of the most remarkable landscapes around the country and found myself among even more remarkable beings.

Just this past year alone I’ve found myself completely in love with the people I surround myself with and I’ve let go to a lot of resentment and negative vibes I’ve been harboring for several years. It hasn’t been entirely sunshine and flowers, however the struggle has made me appreciate when the days are filled with sunshine and flowers more so than ever. I’ve danced on rooftops and fields in the woods with my beautiful friends and cried wholeheartedly on the floor of my bathroom alone just because I needed to. I’ve changed my job and “career aspirations” a million and one times and although my antics seem silly sometimes, the support from my family and friends has never wavered once. I’ve fallen in and out of love and discovered that there is a minuscule line between being comfortable and being happy, but ultimately you have to decide what matters most to you.

I’ve read stories to my niece and nephew and listened to their giggles on Christmas morning, sipping coffee with my Maw Maw. I’ve discovered that in order to be happy with any significant other, I have to learn how to be alone with myself- happily. I’ve experienced the kind of financial freedom that I’ve been chasing down the last 5 years and although some months I spend quite a bit more than I should, at least I know it is my money, my life and my choice.

While others may shutter at my choice of lifestyle, I welcome all the chaos and sometimes instability with open arms. The spontaneity keeps things interesting, I find. It’s taken this far for me to understand I am exactly where I need to be and I’m becoming the exact person I am meant to be with every passing day.

I’m 28 years old and man, have I fucking lived.          


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