New York doesn’t love you

I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. -Donald Miller

If my two years living in NYC has taught me one thing, it’s you can’t go back. You gotta keep one foot I front of the other… Keep moving forward, don’t look back and always strive to be a better version of yourself. Even when the city is kicking the shit out of you. Always.

Sometimes something so simple as someone giving another person directions on the subway moves me so much it almost brings me to tears. Same goes for those times I see a man sleeping on a bench at 34th street or the mother exhausted on the train with her children. This city is hard. And it weighs on you considerably.

This city changes your entire being. It hardens you and it makes you soft simultaneously. It makes you lonely and desperate for solitude all at once. It makes you feel numb in some ways and then forces you to feel every pain imaginable all at once. You become accustom to homeless people sleeping in the sidewalk but infuriated that someone didn’t tip 20% on an $1600 check. There is a constant buzz in your head which bares the resemblance of people screaming in combination with police sirens. Everything blurs together and it’s hard to grasp if living life in New York City is actually real life or some elaborate endless dream (nightmare).

My two years have felt like a lifetime. How did I even get here? Who was that person who chased love across the country with a cat riding in the passenger seat? Two years ago seems inconceivable to fathom now at this point in my life. The person I was is almost unrecognizable and the experiences I’ve found in this city have made it such.

I once saw a homeless mans’s genitalia and had a prostitute warn me about being abducted by some rich Dermatologist all in the same 10 minute walk from work. I’ve seen a woman steal someone’s iPhone and spoke out, only to have my own safety threatened. I’ve also not spoken out on similar occurrences for fear my safety would be threatened.

However, I’ve found out a lot about the person I am and the person I still strive to be. I’ve found myself in individuals who’s souls mirror my own; their love sometimes encompassing me when I’m just all out of love(and patience). I’ve created a life for myself in a place I never intended to live. I’ve fallen in and out of love and tore my mind a part along the way.

I could say I was grateful for all the struggle but I think that would be a lie. It was shit. It was hard sometimes and often I messed up. So I suppose I’ll say I’m grateful that I haven’t turned into a complete asshole despite having made a lot of mistakes, pissed people off and broken promises. I’ve held onto negative vibes far longer than I should and slowly I’m realizing how to let it go.

My hope is that throughout all of these things, I’m slowly becoming a better version of my self. I hope people consider me kind for the most part and I hope to be learning what the bigger picture is. I hope however long I find myself living here on this concrete island, I can strive to see the beauty amongst the piles of trash littered along the sidewalk.

  

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