I’ve recently been dealing with a failing relationship. Actually, no wait. Failed implies the negative. When thinking back on the last 2 years with this person, I don’t think negatively of him or the relationship at all. Scratch that. I’ve recently been going though a transition romantically.
Though I realize the universe only gives you what you are supposed to have at that exact moment (experiences included), it’s been really hard. Actually very fucking hard. Losing a lover feels like mourning a death. And in a way, it is very similar. Losing a best friend feels worse. It comes in waves. I feel like I’m drowning sometimes. First crushin waves. Then dying down to a gentler tide. Those fleeting moments of sadness escape me and I comfort myself knowing I will be ok. After the dust settles, I know things will naturally work out how they should and there is a reason this all happens. Whatever it may be.
In the meantime it’s hard to balance that cool girl/crazy bitch parallel I’ve mentioned before. It’s so strange that in 2016, we (human beings, who’s spirits are made up emotions and feelings and wonderfully unique souls that give us all our amazing energy) still feel compelled to punish ourselves for feeling these same beautifully raw emotions. I’ve been sad and I’ve cried and I’ve felt like shit for it. I’ve been out of my mind as well and called my ex 35 times repeatedly for some reason unbeknownst to myself. In those moments I automatically hate myself. In those moments I’m not proud of myself. I do admit some of my actions haven’t been valiant or noble by any means and I’ve teetered between crazy and even crazier more than I’d like to admit, and trust me, no one is a harsher critic than myself. My friends tell me not to be so hard on myself. But isn’t that easier said than done?
There are moments I’ve been cool calm and composed and I’ve caught myself congratulating myself for “keeping it together”.
That “cool girl” mentality is what I’m constantly striving for. It’s what is celebrated. You didn’t text him today, YOU ROCK! He texted you first, GREAT JOB! People keep telling me to feel my feelings and that’s all good advice but sometimes those feelings are strangling me and all I want to do is just be OK. For a moment.
Break ups are hard. They’re painful. They create voids and self-conscious feelings of rejection and loneliness. There are moments right now where I literally feel like I’m not going to make it to the next day. There are days I can’t stop crying. There are moments when I have to remind myself to breathe even. In these moments I tend to hate myself. Why? I have no idea. But I feel embarrassed and ashamed for feeling so vulnerable. The rational part of me knows that this is apart of the process. But I can’t stop being so hard on myself.
Why it is so easy to be ashamed of feeling sadness and loneliness? Why do we hide our emotions and apologize for them even? I’m trying to embrace every emotion and be in the present. It’s difficult. Every day is a constant battle between being happy and being sad and until now I’ve been fighting the good fight for the former. Until now. Happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a feeling just like sadness or doubt. In order to appreciate happiness, sometimes we have to experience the hardest parts of life. Just to see if we make it out alive. And we will. I know I will. It doesn’t feel that way all at once. The sooner I acknowledge that, I think the easier the healing process becomes. At least that’s what I’m hoping.
So again, here’s to being that cool girl and also for being that crazy bitch sometimes.