This clumsy heart 

I tripped over your smile again. Really, it wasn’t your smile. It was the memory of your smile. The kind that was a result of something silly I said or some weird thing I did that you somehow thought was endearing. I felt sad and happy all at once and when I remembered that I may never make you smile again, I mostly felt sad.

I feel silly for still feeling this way. For letting my emotions get the best of me, yet again. People say it’s an admirable quality, I have. This unrelenting passion for people. The need to love people. I just think I have a clumsy heart. I trip over people easily. One bruises settles into the next one and one heartbreak expedites the next. 

The bandaids come in forms of tequila shots and friends telling me “the timing just isn’t right”… “maybe it wasn’t meant to be” and that “you’re doing really well for yourself, you don’t really need him”.

I know they mean well. Maybe they’re telling the truth. But I also know that they think you’re still a great guy. Which for all intensive purposes, you are. You’re just not MY great guy anymore and I suppose that’s why I’m still angry. 

Maybe I’m not falling into love. In all actually, maybe I’m just falling. Flailing, tumbling down down the rabbit hole. Maybe I’m choosing to love the wrong people. If I actually took the time to fall for people who actually gave a damn… Who wanted the best for me and would be there to support me when things got a little rocky, when I got a little rocky. That’s the thing… Could I have chosen to not fall for you? As if we get a chance to chose who we love. As if this clumsy heart had a shot.

That’s the thing that’s difficult when you have a clumsy heart and the willingness to leap out of your comfort zone… you fall quickly and heavily. It feels like the tiniest leaf gently drifting along the crisp fall air when in reality it’s a fucking 60 pound brick being launch at your throat from across the room. It’s misleadingly harmless but will cut off your air supply the moment it hits you. The moment you realize that you’re in love.

I tripped over your smile again. My knees are still bleeding from the fall.


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